Make Love Not War
by SpoonandJohn
Summary: Harry has come up with an interesting way to solve his problems by Christmas of Fifth Year. ONESHOT
**Written by:** John

* * *

"Harry."

"Yes, Sirius?"

"You know the Dark Lord came back last year."

"Uh-huh." Harry didn't look up from his Christmas pudding.

"And you were really worried over the summer."

"Uh-huh." Harry extracted a dried cherry from the dish and flicked it at the wall.

"And now you seem rather . . . relaxed."

"Actually, I'm a bit tense at the moment."

"Less frantic, then."

"True."

"Why are you less frantic?"

"I got Tom to agree to a binding vow to never harm me in any way."

"When you say any way . . ."

"By action or inaction, whether directly or indirectly or even by proxy in his name regardless of his orders."

"So he . . ."

"Still breaks it if his people attack me in direct opposition to his order? Yes."

"How did you get him to agree to this?"

"I talked him into it."

"You threatened the Dark Lord."

"No."

"You offered him a trade?"

"Nope."

"You swore neutrality?"

"Not even close."

"You turned dark?"

"How do you people come up with this stuff?"

"You're secretly his son?"

"I certainly hope not."

"You're really the reincarnation of his lover?"

"Ew."

"You tricked him?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean 'sort of'?"

"Well . . ."

 **XOXO  
**

"Harry! HARRY!"

"Do you agree to whatever I come up with later?"

"YESYESYESYESYES!"

 **XOXO  
**

"Let's just say negotiations were vigorous."

"You're sleeping with the Dark Lord?"

"Not at the moment."

"You've been his apprentice this whole ti— _you slept with the Dark Lord_?"

"There wasn't much sleeping involved."

"You . . . fucked the Dark Lord?"

"Yes."

"You're having sex to keep the bargain?"

"Good grief no."

"You're withholding sex?"

"Not anymore."

"But you said you're not fucking him?"

"I only withheld it once."

"What?"

"He was most upset."

"No . . ."

"One might say murderously upset."

"He didn't."

"He might have spoken a few choice syllables in anger."

"He did."

"Oh yes."

"So all it took to defeat the Dark Lord was taking it up the ass?"

"No."

"You blew him also?"

"No . . ."

"No . . ."

"Yep."

"No way."

"Mhmm."

"You fucked _him_ up the ass?"

"Bingo."

"When did you make this agreement?"

"One Hogsmeade weekend. That's why I was missing for a few hours—I got kidnapped. It went well."

"When did he find out about this agreement?"

"The next Hogsmeade weekend."

"So Voldemort is dead?"

"Nope."

"Then . . ."

"He's a squib."

Sirius began to snicker. "That's perfect. What happened to my cousin?"

"Well, Tom's loyal followers got pretty dead when his magic went up in smoke."

"So . . ."

"His hideout looks like a very dull morgue."

"But he's not dead."

"Yeah. But he was a little damaged by that and I didn't think Dumbledore would want me to keep him."

"No shit."

"So I had to put him somewhere."

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Where did you put the former Dark Lord?"

"Well, assuming no one decided to let him out? He's in a bar in London, earning five quid a shot."

"He's tending bar?"

"Not that kind of shot, Sirius."

"No . . ."

"Mhmm."

"You turned the Dark Lord into a whore?"

"Nope."

"But you said . . ."

"Yeah. But whores are allowed to take breaks."

"You . . ."

"And they get to keep the money."

"You . . . you turned the Dark Lord into a piece of meat?"

"Pretty much."

" _How?_ "

"A few permanent sticking charms and a small wooden box."

"So the Dark Lord is a glory hole bitch?"

"Yep."

"I realize we went over this before, but . . . _you_ fucked the _Dark Lord_ up the ass?"

"Yeah."

"And he was willing?"

"Yes."

"HOW?"

"Liberal application of petrification charms, arousal hexes, and a conjured chastity device."

"Um . . ."

"My girlfriend was rather experienced and didn't really want vanilla after a while."

"Girlfriend?"

The fireplace flared and Fluer Delacour stepped out. "Yeah," Harry said as his arm was grabbed and she began to tow him out of the room, "she's also been helping me to forget."

Sirius shook his head as a robe flew back in through the doorway and the sounds of frantic petting headed up the stairs. "If I weren't straight, I'd want to fondle his balls too."

* * *

 **(A/N John)**

 **You lot can thank Spoon for this taking the place of your regularly scheduled update. And the fact that I've been feeling poorly, so I dug out something I wrote recently.**

 **(A/N 2 John)**

 **This story, like many of my more insane work, comes from Spoon. Sort of. This one is actually a product of my own guesses about her insanity. Specifically, she was telling me a story about some fic she read where Harry gets Voldemort to agree to some kind of binding agreement and I just assumed that the cut-away was going to be them fucking and that the fic was slash. I was actually surprised to find it wasn't. So I decided I would write the story.**

 **(A/N 3 John)**

 **The odd thing is that I'm pretty much against slash (and when I say "slash" I mean the pairing of two blatantly heterosexual characters together for the sake of it. No, it's not the same when it's girls. Yes that's unfair. Deal with it.) but this just seemed too funny. Especially the idea that Harry isn't actually gay, but was more than willing to stick it in the Dark Lord's rear to avoid dying.**

 **(A/N 4 John)**

 **And yes, before you lot ask, there's a prequel in the works.**

 **(A/N 5 John)**

 **I think that covers all of it, right? Good.**


End file.
